April 03, 2006

Reading my mind

MotherGooseMouse must have somehow gotten inside my head.

Her post about being a mother, and her doubts about said role, is exactly what's been going through my mind for the last six and a half years.

I remember holding Son in the hospital and thinking "I want to give him back. I can't do this! It's a mistake!" I even wailed to my sister when I was seven months pregnant, "It's a mistake for me to have a baby!" To which she calmly told me that no baby is a mistake.

No book or magazine I read (and I read a lot) when I was pregnant prepared me for the experience of motherhood. Oh sure, I knew it would be yucky for me and tiring, but I was in no way prepared for the bone crushing tiredness I felt. Or the overwhelming anxiousness I felt all the time...and still feel. The worry never goes away.

True, by the time Daughter came along I was more prepared, more comfortable with having a baby. I was calmer, at least.

But I've never been a fan of kids. Until I had my own. I love my kids, but I won't be winning any June Cleaver Mother of the Year awards any time soon.