May 09, 2005

Ick...

I just got done reading this week's US magazine (I know...LOSER), and all I have to say is "What the crap?"

I know, Britney is pregnant. And now she says she's having a boy? As the mother of a boy, I feel sorry for that kid. That kid's father is a homeboy wannabe...a David "90210" Silver look-a-like, and eeewww, I'm sorry, I wouldn't punish my kids by making them live with that. And Brit is sooo excited. That's fine, any woman would be, but you know, there are aspects of motherhood no one tells you about. Like how, at 2:30 in the morning, the baby is crying, your boobs are leaking milk, and in the attempted diaper change, the baby gets the Hershey squirts and goes all over your hands and the changing table. Oh yeah, and how about the way little boys pee... on their own face?

And hey, Brit, take a damn BATH once in a while. Wonderous advances have been made in bathing soaps and shampoos. There's this thing? It's called a COMB! Try using one, ya big skank. If you look like this now, what the heck will you look like when Jr. keeps you up all night? Oh yeah, I forgot, they don't live like us folks in the real world, they get nannies....pfffft.

I'm no prize pig, but Britney Spears and that bottom feeder she married (hey Kev, shave, wouldya?) make white trash look good. They are so, just, ICK!

Look, I'm no fan of Tom Cruise. Really. I only watch Top Gun for Ice and Goose! So I don't really give a rat's rear about him and Katie Holmes. What ever gets you through the night, you two. ICK.

Hmmm...so you ask "Why do you read this, Vic?" Because I'm a big loser, hopelessly without life, and must therefore rely on cheap gossip rags to stay amused. Seriously. It gives me great pleasure to crow with delight over all the stuff Brit has coming her way. Oh sure, I enjoyed both my pregnancies, but I mean it, there are those things NO ONE TELLS YOU ABOUT. I had to find out, just like every other woman out there, and I'm chuckling into my deviled ham sandwich about Miss "I'm Gonna Be a Virgin 'til I'm Married" Spears.

Oh yeah, and Brit? While you're in the tub, wouldya please take a washcloth and some soap and wash your face? That raccoon eye thing is not attractive, and it may clear up the zits on your chin. And hey, lay off the damn Cheetos! All that salt will make your ankles swell.

Hmmmm...on second thought, I'll send you a case.

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