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April 14, 2005

Ears

Before I begin, I'd better warn you that you'll be hearing about this a lot up until the procedure is done. So either get used to it or just back off NOW.

I'm freaking out. I am so scared and I'm not the one having this thing done. My baby! Knocked out, without me. Everyone who's had it done or who has a kid that's had ear tubes put in says "It's no big deal. It's so common anymore! Relax!" Easier said than done, partner, these people are not ME, biggest worrier in America.

When the doc pulled out his surgery scheduler thingahootchie yesterday, I was just stunned. We'd been whisked from exam room to audiologist's inner sanctum so fast, and then the doc just says "How about this day? It's the first free day." All the while, my daughter is quietly and happily poking about a new area for exploration.

Oh my God. Then I read the packet from the surgery center (and will probably read it a few thousand times more in the interim) and just about fainted. They say to bring a toy or "lovie" for the child, so I think "Okay, her blanket." They say to put the child in jammies from home. "Okay, those pink summery ones or a footie sleeper?" I'm sweating, as if I'm the one getting this done.

Now, understand, 17 years ago this was me, only I was getting my wisdom teeth out. I was 18 for Pete's sake, but I was still scared to death. Imagine this: waiting in the "pre-op" area with various other cases, including an elderly lady who accidentally cut half her finger off when she got it caught in her screen door. Ugh, I was ready to bolt then, but I just stayed in that little Clorox smelling bed and cried. Oh yeah, and I couldn't see because who ever had taken my glasses, and I'm literally blind without them. ("How could you see the finger lady?" Good hearing, my friends, radar-like reception.)

So now it's my 19 month old daughter. A baby! MY BABY!! I really hope my husband can be there with us that day; he's my "calming influence," and he has nice shoulders to cry on. And I probably will be bawling like a fool, full of guilt and what not. I don't know why I feel guilty even now, I didn't put the viruses in her ears.

Irrational, I know, but try to put up with this. I went to sleep and woke up several times with visions of her playing with her ears and ripping the damn tubes out. I got online and ordered some swanky ear plugs and something called a "Band-It" that goes around her head, over her ears, sort of an ear plug reinforcer. Yeah, the doc said he doesn't usually tell parents to use plugs for bathing, but he's never seen my kid bathe.

On a completely unrelated note, I had the weirdest dream! It was "Gone with the Wind Redux," a movie with the classic Gable/Leigh/De Havilland intercut with the always sucky miniseries sequel. P-U! I'm a GWTW purist, a sequel never should have been written or even considered. That's the beauty part of that book and the movie! It's up to us, the reader and viewer, to think up what happens next. Alexandra Ripley writes really good stuff of her own, but to take Scarlett O'Hara and give her sexual yearnings? Uh, no thanks, I like the way Margaret Mitchell handled that stuff.

Anyway, I feel a bit better having expressed those ear fears. I'm still going to freak from now until then, everytime I look at my calendar. These things are NOT supposed to happen to me! My beautiful pink cheeked, blonde haired, blue eyed baby girl. Honestly, she looks like a beautiful chubby baby doll. These things are NOT supposed to happen to a baby! Yes, I know, better now than when she's older, and better for her overall hearing, but STILL, throw me a frikkin' bone.

Ha ha ha...I'll bet there will be people I know reading this who'll think "Good, that spoiled brat needs to have something like this thrown into her lap." Me being the spoiled brat. Well, to all those people I say this: just picture me shooting you all the bird...and PISS OFF.

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